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February 22nd, 2006 11:28 pm Rant-O-Mania [ ] [ mood | cranky ] You know what I'm tired of? I'm tired of fucking egos. Egos everywhere, stabbing me in the eye. It's in real life, and you can sure as hell believe it's in online world too. And you know what? I just want to say one thing about it. Piss off you ego inflated bitches. Honestly. I use the livejournal only for purposes of being a dramatic bitch-- but otherwise, I'm pretty good about it. Right? Well. In the classroom. I can't stand this one guy. I mean, if anyone says anything that is remotely off of his particular way of thinking-- you can guess what comes next: The Eye Roll. Followed by this is another boy, who tends to think everyone except him is wrong. He now enacts: The Scoff. He thinks that no one sees it, and those who do are granted some sort of blessing because he is pretty damn cool in hating on the guy everyone also hates on. But you see? He's hating on this guy for having a big ego when he has a bigger ego poking everyone within a three foot radius right in the crotch. Online? Online it tends to be WORSE. It's like there's the group of intellectuals on one side because they can type out complete sentences and sound coherent-- and everyone else on the other. Well fuck. It's like you take a step too far in either direction and suddenly you suck. Suddenly you're either an idiot fangirl or you've got a stick up your ass. You get people SCOFFING VIRTUALLY at you, pointing out a flaw or two and suddenly in their mind you are a complete ass. All because you typed out a simple "HAHAHA LOLZ". Well shit. What if I like being right in the middle. I mean, these are pretty coherent sentences. At least, every word is typed out isn't it? But what the hell am I talking about? NOTHING. I'm NOT a fucking intellectual or witty or clever or anything really. I don't have any ulterior motives either, nothing other than to just complain and whine about a point I'm too much of a chicken shit to bring up in actual conversation. So I giggle... so I chatter... so I'm random. And I'm not just talking online. I used to have real big issues with having people think I'm a ditz because I really seem like one. I guess people don't see quirks as quirks. Something like that. The point is, I eventually figured out that... who the fuck cares. I don't really care as long as I don't let it warp the view I have on myself. Right? Maybe? Does that sound positive and uplifting enough? I'm trying to be. The point is. I guess I expected more from the people I choose to converse with online. But it's all the same. Everyone has an ego as large as a small country-- wherever they fucking choose to open their mouth. It's always there, poking you in the eye. I'm blind. Really. I will be soon. So now I just have to learn to give a good old "I don't give a fuck what you think!" and do like the Spice Girls did with their girl power spiels. HAHA. Only minus the big heels and hair.

February 11th, 2006 11:45 pm Crash and Buuurrrrn. [ ] [ mood | exhausted ] You know it's funny, I rarely use this thing-- but I felt like updating. Maybe I'll catch some wisdom one of these days. Anyhow, you know what else is funny? The entire fuckalacking internet world. You think I'm shitting you? I'm not. Honestly. It's like everything is going haywire lately and everyone's looking for a reason to be bitch and moan about something. Usually, I tend to cut down on the profanity but shit-- everyone has shit to deal with, I have shit to deal with too. You have shit to deal with. But everyone? Is really causing quite a rucus... before, I led an uninterrupted life. Quiet, calm, and focused on my various nerdish activities. I could write, sleep, eat, and all of that in relative peace. But then, it happened. The Thing. The Incident. The Confession. And now my calm, quiet, vaguely hermit-like life is well. It is not so anymore. And I'm ready to just about Hulk-ize myself to get some peace and quiet. Do you care? of course not. At least I hope not, you'd probably only be added to the drama that is the HP-RP world-- no joke. For those of you who haven't trekked there yet, tread carefully for it is a potential lethal situation. The thing is, the entire SITUATION started because of the whole question of identity. You know online world, half the things you hear aren't true, and the other half are made up to look better than they are. Take everything with a grain of salt, that is the proper way to do things. But a lot of people don't really do that, so when someone turns on you and goes: "HEY JKJK! THIS entire time I've been lying to YOU!! HAHA LOLZ! IM OLD!! I HAVE KIDS! MARRIED!" you tend to get a little "WTF I HATE YOU." on them. And you know, that's perfectly understandable. Has anyone ever had that happen to them? My first brush with reality was in the form of this guy (friend) who wasn't really a guy who was actually a girl who was pretending to be that guy because he broke up with her? You know, I'll just sum it up: It was pretty lame. So that's what I have to say about the current tidings of my side of the net. They are pretty lame. Now, I will continue on my way-- away from bitching and whining and all.

December 31st, 2005 11:29 am Long Time No See. [ ] I decided to post up an entry for the new year-- well, the almost new year. It's been a lot of months since me and LJ last spoke to eachother. A lot of months. How do you feel LJ? I think it said it was alright without me. In any case, what do I do for my new years and what does it mean to me? Basically. My family is sort of crazy with the rituals, this morning my mom was going over a new one she'd heard and wanted to try. As far we have pretty normal ones: + Eating 12 grapes, one for each month. Make a wish on each grape, voila you have cultural tradition! + Wearing new things, being clean for the new year, having your house clean. Clean, in general. + Watching the "ball drop" on a pre-recorded tape. But you still feel the excitedment. But this one? This one really made me laugh while my mom insisted she was completely serious. "You stand in a doorway, take a bucket of water, and throw it over behind your head!" ... "It's supposed to get rid of bad luck!!" ... Well, I love my family. What can I say. I'm still not cleaning that mess up, and on the off-chance that I miss the back of my head and dump it on myself instead. Well, the results won't be real pretty. So I'm pretty much sticking with the grapes, being clean, and my television. Sounds good to me I guess. I've always wanted one of those poppers though. You know the ones that go "POP! HERE'S CONFETTI!"-- I think that'd be... well fun. And anyone who cares can thank heleen for both getting my ass back into LJ, and uh... providing me hours of entertainment so that you don't get posts like these thrown at you all the time. :D Peace. And Happy 2006.

October 5th, 2005 11:51 am Pocorn. [ ] My shoulders hurt. My arms hurt. My ankle hurts. 2

October 1st, 2005 11:07 pm When at first you don't succeed... [ ] ...wish that you hadn't had screwed it up so badly in the first place until your head explodes. At least, that's what my brain is screaming to me. I think I'm aiming way too high with this college thing and it has me on a depressed-major course. Haha. I'm majoring in depression now. Ew. That is sick. But I did explode. It was actually I don't know, it was weird. There was crying and yelling and all around frustrations. My mom. Gah. She might love me, but she has no idea how to help me. And it's frustrating, and it's just like the worst feeling in the world to be handling something so big so alone. Argh. Alone. Argh.

September 26th, 2005 10:20 pm ... [ ] [ mood | pessimistic ] So today was OK. Probably not the best day, but certainly not the worst day I've had since I last updated. I did feel quite shitty afterschool though, for no particular reason other than being on the other side of the inner circle. I mean, I'm not the inner circle-- not by a long shot, but I really did feel on the outside. I mean. I laughed when I was supposed to. I smiled when there was smiling to be done. I attempted a few comments but failed for the most part. I guess now I know what it feels like to be on the other side. I think I felt even worse because the thing that's supposed to be MY inner circle didn't feel like one at all. Oeh. A difficult life I lead. I don't know what to say to try to work it out in my head anymore, I probably make things bigger than they are. I take myself much too seriously, it's terrible for my health. Now I'm listening to music, and chit-chatting while I continue to avoid the homework I should have done today. I hope I'm not entering that stage again-- the rebel who-doesn't-give-a-damn about grades and school and everything related type girl again. I don't know. It's just confusing. It's just hard when the only person that hurting me is me. And that I know it is and I don't stop it and I should and it's a mess. I cause myself the most emotional stress out of anyone really. Blech. But back to afterschool. Certain things arose to my attention that I hadn't noticed before. Like the matter of trust. And it was completely like this flash of understanding and non-understanding all at the same time. And I ended coming out of the thing well, with quite lower expectations/standards/etc for the people I call friends, around me at least. Maybe I'm becoming too picky, maybe I'm just finding what I like or do not like in a person. And I look beyond my circle of "close" friends, and I see people who are much well-- NICER. Much less complicated, much less worried so much about what other people expect. I think it would be better for me if I had those types of friends, but I don't know. I don't know a lot anymore. I know that my trust levels have shot extremely ... down. Except for certain people. Where they have shot up. But then they're mean and I don't know what to trust much anymore. Oeh bah. It's all a mess but not a mess at the same time. Ok. I feel better. Just getting it out. Stupid entry. Stupid livejournal. Stupid school. Most of all. Here's to my downward journey into an even more uncharted territory than I thought I'd ever come across -___-.

September 4th, 2005 1:26 pm Good times gonna come. [ ] Yeah. No reason for the title. It was the last lyric my mind registered of the song I'm currently listening to. I bought the Aqualung CD. No real reason why. It's all slow and pretty depressing. I really think this guy had serious issues with members of the opposite sex. Anyhoo, I haven't updated in a while. Because I guess I've er.. removed myself from writing too many things. Ah well, lack of time and motivation I guess. I guess I wonder what it is that makes me want to keep up with this thing and my life even though it doesn't really matter in the long run. Man. I haven't really written anything in a long time and I wish I could. Poo. Double. Ice skating was semi-painful. I didn't fall but my feet hurt. And now I know what it's like to be on the other side of this whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing O___O. Damn. Everyone had someone else to randomly fondle and kiss and be with HAHA. It was pretty depressing. I missed my Mattkins *cries*. Today I feel half asleep even though I have to finish Dunces (of which I'm only halfway through) as well as do various things of calculus and english analyzing and I suck at things such as those. ... Ok well I'll finish the entry later. 1

August 20th, 2005 1:58 pm Haaa... I stole it. [ ] [ mood | drained ] [ music | U2 - "Beautiful Day" (IE. THE RADIO.) ] Took a break from Calculus. Filled in this survey. In the last 24 Hours have you... 1. Had sex: I used the verb sexing a lot? 2. Bought something: No.. 3. Gotten sick: A tinge. 4. Sang: Yes. "Look into your HEART!... etc the rest of the song goes here." 5. Been kissed: *sigh* No. 6. Ate something: Yes. 7. Felt stupid: Can someone say Calculus? 8. Talked to an ex: Three of them. HA. Jk. 9. Missed someone: Yeees. :) 10. Hugged someone: *le sigh* No. Last person who.... 1. Slept in your bed: My brother... ew. 2. Saw you cry: My mom. 3. Made you cry: My sperm donor. 4. You went to the movies with: Alex 5. You went to the mall with: My mom. 6. One thing you could take back: Well if I could go back in time I'd probably change who the sperm came from? .... Other than that... probably being a biznitch. Yes or No: 1. Said "I Love You" and meant it: Yes. ^.^ 2. Got in a fight with your pet: Er.. I don't have pets.. 3. Been to California: All the time. It's where both my summer and winter homes are ^.^ 4. Been to Mexico: Er. Does Tijuana count? 5. Been to China: Never. 6. Been to Canada: No. I was close. 7. Been to Europe: Only in my dreams. 8. Wished you were the opposite sex: God yes. LOL. 1. Do you have a crush on someone: You could say that O_o.. 2. What book are you reading now: Er. Three at once. None of which I think I'll be able to finish. 3. Worst feeling in the world: Dissapointment. AND. Loneliness. 4. Future KIDS names: Oeh. Something insanely spanish so if they turn out blonde it'll be HILARIOUS. No but seriously one of my children's name will definetely be Isabella <33 in honor of ma great grandmother <3... and because it's pretty. And I like Katrina but it's sort of ditzy. And er.. boy names. No idear. 5. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: HAHA. No. 6. What's under your bed: Nothing actually. 7. Favorite sport to watch: Soccer. (FUTBOL! REPRESENT!) 8. Location: Freznitch. 9. Piercing/Tattoos: Ears. I want a second one. 10. Do you drink: Nooo although I do a lot of tasting ^.^ 11. What are you most scared of right now: School. The Education system? And most definetely Failure. 12. Where do you want to get married: Somewhere pretty... 13. Who do you really hate: Hello check the previous entries bitches. 14. Do you have a job: HAHA. You're funny. 15. Do you like being around people: Some more than others, but mostly eh.. they're alright. 16. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: LOL Yeah. 17. Have you ever cried: Yes.. 18. Are you lonely right now: NO. Just effing hungry. 19. Song that's stuck in your head a lot: "Brighter than Sunshine" -- Aqualung. Thank you Matt for finally sending it :) 20. Been in love: Completely. :) 21. Played strip poker: I want to O_o... with just one person. LOL. 22. Gotten beaten up: Now although I have been scratched O_X. 23. Done an all-nighter: Er... no. 24. Been on radio/TV: Neither. 25. Been in a mosh-pit: Yes and I almost died. DAMN MY SMALL LIMBS! 26. Do you have any gay/lesbian friends: ER I don't think so. 27. Skinny dipped: Noooppe. 28. Smoked mary jane: ER. No. 29. Farted and blamed it on someone else: HAHAHA. No. 30. Had sex in the back seat with the windows up: Maybe a few other things O_o.. 31. Yelled back at your parents: YeAH. ALl tHe TiMe. 32. Got so bored u made up 6 more questions to answer on the rest of a survey: NOOO. This is enough I think. 1

August 18th, 2005 12:11 pm E-Mails are shit. [ ] [ mood | distressed ] I hate him. I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him. *courtesy of copy and paste* And I hate how he can make me feel like shit when I haven't done anything wrong. My dad. Dammit. I shouldn't have checked that e-mail. I shouldn't have I shouldn't have. Now I feel like shit. As if I didn't have enough to worry on my own. Argh. Why can't he just leave me alone. And leave. And I'd be that much happier without it. "I haven't heard from either you or your mother in regards to the video cd that I sent.. I left a message on your mothers cell phone but I guess she didn't check her messages. Anyway I was hoping to hear from you. I hope that you enjoyed the cd . it took me a long time to make. You'll be going back to school soon and I'm hoping that when you get a chance that you'll try to communicate with me and let me know how you are doing. I must be honest ... The communication seems to be mostly one way... I do expect more from you and your mother. I will no longer be available on the internet probably since we will be moving out of here at the end of the month. If you wish to communicate with me you have about 10 days left before I lose this channel of communication. After that I will not have a phone or anything. I really don't know how I will be able to contact you. As soon as I do I will let you know. Please write..." No shit. I don't like you asshole. And I don't like that you only try to talk to me when it's convenient. And I don't like that you keep shoving the past down my throat. I don't like the fucking past. Because it had you in it. He's been apparantly asking if I've recieved this CD he made. Some DVD from me baby years. That it took a long time to make. I. Don't. Care. I shouldn't. Why? He's already given me a shitload of them. What's changed? Nothing. I hate watching the videos, because it reminds me of what it was like. And I just feel awful afterwards. Does he enjoy making me feel awful and now apparantly guilty? I hate him. I hate this whole thing. I hate how he can reduce me to feeling like a little lost girl again. I hate that he plays the pity card all the time. And how he expects me to just sympathize so easily. I hate that he can't just let it go. I may be related to him by blood and all of that shit. But I'm not his daughter. Dammit -_-. DAMMIT DAMMIT. I feel so awful. This wasn't the only e-mail. But it was the last. I'm not a little girl, I don't need him. I don't want him. I just want him out of my life -_-. Pretend like he never happend and just deal with it in that way. Anything would be better than being dissapointed all the time, and feeling awful. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I'm not sorry. He just scares me. Makes me nervous. I don't know what to do anymore -___-. I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know ANYTHING anymore. *also courtesy of copy and paste* Ah. I need a shoulder to lean on. And a hug. And possibly something that will put me to sleep for a very long time--and when I wake up, there will be nothing of this problem here anymore. Ok. I feel better now that I've typed this out. I'm never checking my e-mail again. At least the one I gave him. It's all shit. Shit shit shit. *Curses some more* And I suddenly don't even have an inkling to want to do schoolwork anymore. I don't care. I hate it. 1

August 17th, 2005 11:09 pm Zzzzzz. [ ] [ mood | tired ] Damn. I am so tired. I care about this *makes really small space between index finger and thumb, duh.* much about my education right now. Everything is poo. *is emo* Not everything. Just books. And anything that revolves around college. Yeah. I'll elaborate tomorrow. When I'm slightly more awake than just a bit. 1

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